Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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