as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
