The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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