the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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