My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
