Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
We are all done wearing pants today
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
