You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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