Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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