so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
