She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
