I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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