I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
