i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
