Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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