ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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