we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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