Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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