checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
