fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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