I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
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no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
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I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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