Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
