I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
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I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
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I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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