ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
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after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
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Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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