thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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