So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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