I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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