I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day