i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.