I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
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Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
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He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over