I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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