i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
