i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
