Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
