Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
