He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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