He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Randomize
