be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
