A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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