He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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