Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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