wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
