I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he was CRYING into my vagina
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
