It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
