She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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