I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
