I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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