Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You pole danced in your parka.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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