i permit you to call me
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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