Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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