I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I could make wine with my vomit
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
