Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
