my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
