textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
