im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
