someone threw a dead crab at me
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
