Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
