If i come over, it means nothing
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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