why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
