in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
