he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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