sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
