So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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