Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
