My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
