Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
