Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
