Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
